In 1972, George Carlin’s “Seven Dirty Words” bit got him arrested and charged with obscenity and the resulting Supreme Court case ruled that the FCC could regulate broadcast speech. While TV networks like Comedy Central or FX aren’t technically beholden to the same standards as “on-air” broadcasts, many of them have still chosen to censor their programming for the better part of 50 years. That means any R-rated movie that’s been played on good old-fashioned TV has a version floating around that’s scrubbed clean of profanities.
Usually, movie-to-TV censorship consists of bleeping out curse words or simply cutting any scenes deemed too mature. Occasionally, however, those responsible for editing these alternate versions attempt to get creative, resulting in some absolutely hilarious, if not completely nonsensical, line dubs. With the advent of streaming, the art of the TV cut is dying, but thankfully we still have these bizarre censorship marvels to admire.
The edited-for-TV version of The Coen Brothers’ stoner classic The Big Lebowski originally aired on Comedy Central. Yet fans were flabbergasted when, rather than deliver his line “This is what happens when you f–k a stranger in the a–,” John Goodman’s Walter Sobchak says “This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!” while marching out to smash up the red sports car with a crowbar. On Happy Sad Confused, Goodman took credit for the amazing line replacement, claiming Joel and Ethan told him to “say whatever you want” to replace the expletives. The dubbed line has since become as iconic as the original, with singer-songwriter Phoebe Bridgers even naming an album Stranger in the Alps.
Sometimes, these bad dubs are most obvious in a tense action moment, like in Paul Verhoeven’s Total Recall. In the theatrical release, Richter (Michael Ironside) shouts at Arnold Schwarzenegger’s character, Douglas Quaid, during a chase, saying “Come back here, you f–ker!” In the censored version, however, the line somehow became “Come back here, you steroid!” This swap is great because it’s both “clean” and somehow more cutting than the original line, especially when considering that Schwarzenegger himself opened up about his steroid use in his memoir (aptly titled Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story). While on the surface, calling someone a “steroid” is borderline nonsense, in this case it’s a rare instance of a TV dub outdoing the original foul-mouthed insult.
According to Samuel L. Jackson’s interview with GQ, New Line Cinema was gunning for a PG-13 rating for Snakes on a Plane, but it was Jackson himself who insisted on using his “motherf–er” trademark—earning the film an R-rating. In the theatrical cut, the line is “I have had it with these motherf–ing snakes on this motherf–ing plane,” a Samuel L. Jackson classic. The version that aired on FX, however, swapped it for the word salad “I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!” Arguably even more iconic than the original, it was also Jackson who suggested replacing the curse words with “monkey fighting” and “Monday to Friday.” Apparently, he wanted it to be just as entertaining as the original, and most would say he succeeded.
Despite already carrying a PG-13 rating from the MPAA, John Hughes’ legendary teen comedy Ferris Bueller’s Day Off contains one of the most hilarious TV dubs of all time. While disguising his voice in the phone call to the evil principal, Cameron Frye (Alan Ruck) delivers a relatively mild expletive: “Pardon my French, but you’re an a–hole.” At least, that’s what he says in the theatrical cut. For some unknown reason, the TV cut changes the line to “Pardon my French, but you’re an aardvark.” Supposedly, nobody has ever stepped forward to claim credit for the cryptic line, so its creator and origins remain as mysterious as its meaning.
While many details of the Crazy Stupid Love TV edit for FX remain unconfirmed online, fans can’t help but remember a particularly odd censorship choice. The scene begins with Robbie Weaver (Jonah Bobo) in English class, standing up to give an impassioned speech about The Scarlet Letter. The theatrical version goes: “The A they’re both wearing—I think it stands for ‘a–hole.’ Wanna know why? Because they fell in love, and love is for stupid a–holes. And this book is just about a bunch of a–holes who fell in love, like a–holes, then had to die, like a–holes.” The absurdity of the dubbed version is that he says “The A they’re both wearing” stands for “jackhole,” which… no, it doesn’t. The badly recorded dub just adds insult to injury, and the result is a cut-for-TV scene that has lost all meaning. In this case, even “Aardvark” would have made more sense.
Any nonsensical TV dubs we forgot? Add your favorites in the comments below.
